My name is Rick L. Blalock. Some of you may know me as a regular reviewer at AdultDVDTalk who publishes several reviews weekly. I now join the HotMovies team as a monthly columnist. I hope you’ll join me here, each month, as I publish a column called “Rick’s Picks.” It is via this column that I will present to you a list of my personal picks when it comes to what I feel are the best movies that HotMovies has to offer, given a specific topic – a topic which will change monthly. The first thing that needs to be said is that this is my column, and it is one that is aimed towards the fans. This is not a case in which a robot is trained to pick the most-liked movies of the time and put them on a list. This is my own personal list, with which I hope to introduce fans to films that they may have not seen or heard about. So yes, some of the picks may seem out of the ordinary. But that’s just how it is; I like different shit.
Since it is October and that ominous chill is in the air at night, I thought, “What better way to start my column than by featuring selected porn titles which have a horror element to them?” It does not matter – whether it be a parody, or a straight-out and intentional horror porn flick, all were eligible for the picking. So without further ado – here are my picks.
1. The Devil in Miss Jones (1973) – Runtime 1 hr. 6 mins. Director – Gerard Damiano
Plot/Synopsis:
In the beginning of this film, the lonely Justine Jones (Georgina Spelvin), a woman in her early 30s, peers outside of her window that reveals busy New York City. After closing the curtain, Justine looks to be innocently readying herself for a bath… innocently enough. Miss Jones adds some bath balm into the water as she soon steps inside. From here, everything seems quite normal. However, that spur-of-the-moment thinking appears, as Justine pulls out a razor. It is a slow process, but soon we would realize the grim reality, as Justine goes on to slit both of her wrists, first the left and then the right. The bathtub then fills with blood shortly before Miss Jones slips out of consciousness. Following this, it seems as though Justine has awakened in another place. We’re not quite sure the name of this place, but all that we do know is that it is between heaven and hell. The guy who oversees all is “Abaca” (John Clemens). He is a strange, but certain being. When Justine meets up with Abaca, he addresses exactly why she is here. In fact, he’s quite confused, as Justine has a seemingly perfect record with no sins or crimes whatsoever. She is even a virgin. But still, Abaca must deal with this situation at hand, as it is true that she has committed the number one mortal sin, which is suicide. While conversing with Abaca, Justine casually says that if she had her life to live over again, she would have consumed and engulfed herself with as much lust as possible. Since there is still time to make the final decision on where Justine Jones will be headed, Abaca gives her a short time to do the exact things that she said that she would do if she could.
Sent back to Earth, Justine Jones’ first meeting is with a guy simply known as “The Teacher” (Harry Reems). The Teacher first teaches Justine the art of anal, as he plugs her ass with a finger toy. She quite likes this, and soon, we see her bouncing on The Teacher’s cock from reverse-cowgirl. We then get some more ass-fingering by The Teacher, as he also simultaneously fucks Justine from behind while fingering her asshole. Remember, all of this is new to the virgin – but she loves it! From there, with her sexual knowledge now heightened, she goes through several other sexual experiences such as an oiled-down romp with another female on two beds covered in plastic. She then goes on to experiment by putting fruit into her vagina, and throating a banana, as well as later masturbating in a bathtub with a long, narrow tube. She also gets into sharing a guy with another girl – something that she didn’t mind, just as long as the guy was in her as she climaxed. It eventually comes full circle. After playing with fruit, and playing with a snake, as well as with others, she meets up with The Teacher again for a parting blowjob. The only thing is that Justine didn’t come to realize the consequences of living out this long series of lust. With all of this excitement, she had forgotten the deal agreed upon with Abaca. Her time runs out, and soon, Justine Jones finds herself locked in hell forever without the ability to orgasm. She sits in a small room, with only one other man (director/producer, Gerard Damiano), who is delusional, and could not get Miss Jones off if he tried.
Why Was This Film Picked?
So why does this title make my horror-themed my list, and why’s it number one? Well, made in 1972 and released in 1973, this has got to be one of the very first narrative porn stories to ever mix the Devil and all that is horror (and while subsequent remakes would give the Devil a face, this one did no such thing, and still it is haunting). When I think of horror porn, The Devil In Miss Jones is the title that first jumps out at me. Yes, it is a relatively short film at only 66 minutes in length, but it is what they do with those 66 minutes that makes it so amazing. Although I did not mention this in my plot description, the film actually begins with a close-up of Georgina Spelvin, who is begging for someone to fuck her. I remember seeing this for the first time and how creepy it felt. It definitely does get under your skin, as we finally cut to the earlier time of Justine in her apartment, prior to her bath. This is a film that came after the hugely successful Deep Throat, a film that I am a little hard on (no pun intended), as I don’t feel that it surpasses this film. Although it is only 66 minutes, the script is tight all the way through, and the cast, especially Georgina Spelvin, were all visibly dedicated to this film. (Georgina Spelvin herself also provided craft services on the film as well.) So, to touch on the reason why I picked this film for this particular list, when it comes to horror, The Devil In Miss Jones hits all the right spots. There’s a great story told, as well as great acting performances, which play out the roles naturally to bring characters to life. It is just one of those films that after you see it, you say to yourself, “man that was a great film!” You don’t think about its age, or how the picture quality looked (although a full remaster would be nice!), as it is an undeniable and unique classic. The kids today may not see The Devil In Miss Jones‘ worth, but fans of the “Golden Age of Porn” definitely do, for sure.
2. Evil Head (2012) – Runtime 2 hr. 27 mins. Director – Doug Sakmann
Plot/Synopsis:
In Evil Head, the horror-comedy porn parody of the 1981 horror film The Evil Dead, the film begins when Ashley Williams (Tommy Pistol), his wife Linda (Joanna Angel), and pals Shelly (Kleio Valentien) and Scotty (Danny Wylde), retreat to a secluded cabin in the woods for a getaway. With the excursion, the two couples look to escape their city life for awhile for a couple of days of sex and unknown adventure. When they arrive, they find that a few things have been left behind by the cabin’s previous tenant, including a strange, dried semen-covered book and some old audio reels. Scotty, whose curiosity gets the better of him, immediately plays the reels, and on one of them they find an audio diary from a Professor Raymond Knowby (voiced by Troma Entertainment‘s Lloyd Kaufman). In the diary, Knowby documents his findings as to the contents of the book. They learn that the strange book is known as the “NecronomiCUM Ex-Mortis,” aka, the “Book of the Head” – some kind of ancient sex collection. Knowby also goes on to state that a certain phrase, if repeated, can unlock something within the book – however, the sexually eager couples don’t bother to stick around and find out what that phrase is. However, they will soon find out that just by playing the audio of Knowby repeating this phrase, that the evil has very much already been conjured. Horny and anxious, husband and wife Ash and Linda are quick to hit one of the bedrooms for a romp in the sack. The session between the two is hot and heavy, but it gets even more interesting once it turns into a threesome, once Scotty joins in. The sex ends as the two friends unload on Linda’s face – unfortunately, it’s at that very moment when Shelly walks in on them. Understandably upset, Shelly takes off into the woods for some alone time. However, she finds that she isn’t truly alone when a strange spirit calls on her. Before Shelly knows it, she is being held down and gangbanged by the trees that surround her. Enjoying it very much, Shelly returns to the cabin in an almost euphoric state, and not only that, it seems that she has been possessed by an evil, sex-starved demon. She quickly demands sex from her lover Scotty, and soon the possession begins to spread like a plague amongst the cabin. As Ash watches Linda catch the buzz as well, he desperately tries to maintain his own sanity, and when the demons turn deadly, he also must fight for his life. Armed with a chainsaw, and eventually just a single hand, Ash must resist temptation from not only Linda and Shelly, but also a few “Evil Head” girls from his past (Dana DeArmond and Veruca James), in order to survive.
Why Was This Film Picked?
The reason why I picked this movie is really quite simple to explain. First of all, I have to tell you that I am no fan of the original Evil Dead. I just never have liked that movie and it has never clicked with me in a way that it has so many other horror fans. Although strange enough, I love the remake of Evil Dead. Well, back to Evil Head. With me saying what I have said, it is obviously clear that you do not need to be a fan of the original to enjoy this parody from Burning Angel Entertainment. This movie is great. In fact, back when it came out, I reviewed the film for my horror review website, terrorhook.com, and then sometime last year on AdultDVDTalk, I went in and revisited my review of the film, bringing the overall review a fresh update with current comments from myself. Nothing has changed about the way that I feel about Evil Head since the first time that I saw it. It is both funny and witty, in addition to being well performed, both in the acting and sexing departments. With this parody, director Doug Sakmann, who has done work with Troma Entertainment, brings that same brand of humor to Evil Head – humor that the cast fully embraces. This is especially true for Tommy Pistol, who completely steals the show with his over-the-top but hilarious antics. Anybody who has yet to see Evil Head, do yourself a favor and see it! It’s pretty genius what can be done with a limited budget, as well as a small cast.
3. Malice in Lalaland (2010) – Runtime 1 hr. 38 mins. Director – Lew Xypher
Plot/Synopsis:
In this take on both Alice In Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass (both stories by Lewis Carroll), “Malice” (Sasha Grey) is a young girl who escapes from an asylum, which is being overseen by the evil and domineering “Dr. Queenie” (Andy San Dimas) and her orderly lackey, “Jabbowski” (Dirty Fred). She escapes with the help of a strange rabbit (Stephen Powers), after which, she literally falls into a strange world outside the asylum. As Jabbowski pursues her, the rabbit leads her to a rundown gas station, where she is nearly apprehended. But that is before a good Samaritan named “Bill” (Alan Stafford), stops Jabbowski in his tracks. She narrowly escapes again after she hitches a ride with the eccentric “Chester,” a photographer who just so happens to have a fascination with cats, it seems. Jabbowski leads them on a car chase, but fortunately, Malice and Chester are able to get away when things end in a fiery crash. From there, Malice experiences some fun times with Chester, the photographer. Not only do they take pictures, they also have sex, and they meet up with Chester’s friend “Kater Pills” (Ron Jeremy) at his strip club. Later that day, they also end up at Mad Hatter’s place for a wild sex party. Yet little do they know that Jabbowski is still on Malice’s wonderful-looking tail. His gun is blazing when Jabbowski tracks Malice down at the party. It is an occasion where, again, she narrowly escapes when she jumps into a nearby car. And who is in that car? A ragtag porn crew who invite her to be their camera operator for their next shoot. For Malice the shoot seems to be the perfect way to hide out. Unfortunately, though, Queenie and her lackey are seemingly one step ahead, proving that there truly is no escaping the infamous Dr. Queenie.
Why Was This Film Picked?
The film, Malice In Lalaland, is one that truly surprised me. When I was requesting titles from Vivid Entertainment for review, I picked this film rather randomly as it looked cool. Not only did the cover of the release look cool, I would soon find that the film itself was something rather unique. The first thing that jumped out at me is that the film itself was filmed on actual 35mm film, rather than shot digitally. So as far as appearance goes, Malice In Lalaland both looks and feels cinematic. However, its appearance is not its only draw. The best thing about this film is the interpretation. Director Lew Xypher takes two works of Lewis Carroll and creates something different and surreal. From the character Malice’s escape from the asylum, with the help of a little person dressed like a black rabbit, to the game of “cat and mouse” played by Malice and Jabbowsky the orderly, who is determined to recapture her, Malice In Lalaland is a trippy film with all of the expected characters present, yet in the cleverly re-imagined visions. Since my reviewing of it in March 2016, I’ve revisited this film, and plan to do so even more down the road. I cannot recommend this title any more to you. Its concept is great. The acting is on par, the sex scenes are quite decent, seeing as this is more a visual piece (using both animation and live footage to tell its story). If you have not seen the film, I promise you that it will be unlike anything else that you have ever seen when it comes to porno.
4. Halloween XXX Parody (2011) – Runtime 2 hr. 28 mins. Director – Jim Powers
Plot/Synopsis:
After convincingly recreating the opening shot featuring a carved and lit pumpkin, we open the story in Modesto, California. It is Halloween night and the year is 1996. Inside the Meyers home, Judith Meyers (Raven Alexis) and her boyfriend “Richie” (Seth Gamble) believe that they are alone, as they head upstairs. It is there that they have a sexual encounter, one with basically every position imaginable used. During this, we hear Judith scream out in pleasure. However, when Richie leaves, she soon screams for her life, as her brother Michael, who dons a clown mask and wields a butcher’s knife – stabs his sister to death. It is a horror that Michael’s parents soon come home to discover. After these events, we move 15 years ahead since the brutal murder. We are taken to a state mental facility in Victorville, California. The date is October 30th, 2011. It is also on this day that Michael Meyers is to be moved to the county facility. However, his doctor, Dr. Sam Loomis (Marcus London) does not want him to be moved. It’s because he knows just how dangerous Michael truly is. But things happen when the doctor and his nurse (Britney Amber) have a go in the backseat of his car. It is during this distraction that a group of mental patients escape, due to recently loosened security. But what’s worse for Loomis is that one of those escaped patients is Michael Meyers. Meyers, who quickly throws the nurse out of the car topless, takes off in Lommis’ car. It is at that moment that Loomis knows exactly where Michael is headed. He is going 150 miles to Modesto, where his old home still stands. Loomis races to get there, as he knows that Michael Meyers is “the Devil,” as he calls him. And sure enough, he is, as he begins to hack through all of Modesto’s fornicating teenagers, all of whom happen to be friends with “Laurie” (Lily Labeau) whose innocent night of babysitting is turned on its head, as she comes face-to-face with the killer.
Why Was This Film Picked?
The answer, as to why this one makes the list is simple really. Back in 2011 when this film was released, Smash Pictures and Zero Tolerance both released competing Halloween parody titles. So yes, the perv that I am, saw both of them. I believe that the first one that I saw was the one from Zero Tolerance. It is one that I did not particularly care for. And if I remember correctly, I felt that it was pretty sloppy. But then I see the one from Smash Pictures, and it is one that really impressed me. And the surprise of it all is that this movie comes from Jim Powers, a guy known to do all sorts of hardcore stuff. But then there are times that Jim gets creative and comes up with a narrative story. With his Halloween parody, one can tell that a lot of thought went into this one, as throughout the movie, Jim faithfully recreates a handful of the mainstream film’s key moments on his budget. Yes, even the moment where “Lynda” (Lexi Belle) believes that the guy under the sheet complete with glasses is her boyfriend, “Bob” (Jessy Jones). This Halloween parody from Smash Pictures is just all-around fun.
5. Beyond Fucked – A Zombie Odyssey (2013) – Runtime 2 hr. 58 mins. Director – Tommy Pistol
Plot/Synopsis:
In Beyond Fucked – A Zombie Odyssey, Bonnie Rotten has her whole world destroyed literally when her babysitter, albeit in zombie form, kills both her child, as well as her husband, Tommy. The story then fast-forwards to six years in the future, for the world outside has changed drastically. Bonnie goes on to explain via narration that it all started as an obesity epidemic purposely started by the government. To counteract the problem that they had created, also created was a drug which would cause the user to rapidly lose weight, as in, the body’s fat literally ate itself from the inside-out. However, what occurred when the body snacked on all of the fat? The hosts themselves would then develop a hunger for flesh. Bonnie goes on to explain that the first known case was a black male in a project building in Queens, New York. A building that eventually burned to the ground, causing a riot, and subsequent zombie outbreak which spread. These days, Bonnie wears a long coat and is armed with a firearm as she works as a zombie bounty hunter. Her latest assignment is brought forth by a guy named Dr. Life, who has aspirations to purify the race.
Why Was This Film Picked?
Yes, Beyond Fucked – A Zombie Odyssey may be just another take on zombies, and I personally really do not like zombies. I did however, kind of enjoy what the film has to offer. Now, this is a film that I was supposed to review years ago on my horror movie review website. However, for some reason writer/director Tommy Pistol had difficulty getting me a copy then. But now I can say that I’m glad that I had the chance to check this one out. That’s because this is “real” work from Pistol, who is mostly known for being a character actor and, yes, the funnyman a lot of the time. Although some of said humor is seen here with Beyond Fucked, he crafts a story that is actually conscious. This is not your average zombie outbreak effort. It actually has a clever way of going about, and presenting its story. The government-controlled obesity epidemic idea is pretty genius – and so are the reasons for the consequences. What is also genius is the casting of Bonnie Rotten as the film’s lead badass. Here, Bonnie portrays the only survivor of a family of three, who is still numb from the loss of both her husband and child six years later. She has since made it her mission to hunt down and take out the very things which took her family from her. Bonnie Rotten, who, at the time of filming, was just in the business some ten months, was the absolute perfect choice for the lead here. She has the edgy look with her multiple tattoos, and not to mention that she is just hot as fuck. She is definitely one of the hottest women to have ever participated in porno. Aside from Bonnie, we of course have an appearance by Tommy Pistol himself, as the husband who soon ends up dead, and then later, undead at “Club Hell.” Beyond Fucked – A Zombie Odyssey also features a memorable performance by director, and here, musician for the film, David Lord as an eccentric owner of a club called “Club Hell” where zombie fighting is held. Another memorable character is one played by Mark Wood, who is a doctor determined to save the future of mankind. Unfortunately, as detailed as the story sounds, that is basically where it ends, as the storyline for Beyond Fucked ends rather abruptly and flat, which is disappointing. But then again, for the most part, the good thing is that this film is fun while it lasts. And, as a bonus, the majority of the sex scenes here are scorching. Especially the first 2 scenes, a boy/girl involving Tommy Pistol and Bonnie Rotten, and then a girl/girl involving Bonnie and Nikki Hearts. To be honest, the boy/girl scene nearly made me blow my load on account of Bonnie’s sexiness!
Check out Part 2 of Rick’s Picks here
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