Horror movies and pornography have A LOT in common. Lots of tits. Low budgets. Both are hated, maligned, and attacked from the right and conservative groups. Both quite often have thirty-somethings playing hapless teens. And tits! Although as gender dynamics change in mainstream pornography and horror films, men often find themselves in much more vulnerable positions than in the past. Recently, I popped in John Carpenter’s Halloween for the umpteenth time in my lifetime and I had a thought. How do some horror classics compare with some of their parody dopplegangers here on HotMovies?
Halloween – Opening Credits/Bob’s Death Scene
Jim Powers follows the template to the opening of John Carpenter’s Halloween, and his Halloween XXX Porn Parody starts off all the better for it. This version of the iconic score is a tad wonky, but let’s remember this is porn – which is why the opening jumps right into a sex scene with Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble before the bloody murder, and bloody it is – unlike Carpenter’s restrained hand in the original.
And then there’s the impalement of Linda’s boyfriend, Bob. Bob’s death is the same in both versions. Call me demented, but there’s something titillating about watching Jessy Jones get phallically impaled against a kitchen wall by a butcher’s knife. Michael then dons the all-too-familiar ghost costume to go and strangle Lexi Belle as Linda – but then Michael Myers, still in the ghost costume (now played by Criss Strokes) finds Lily LaBeau as Laurie masturbating on the couch, and horror fans like me are treated to a Michael Myers/Laurie Strode sex romp. If only Criss Strokes could be stunt cock for every scene!
And on that note…
Psycho – The Shower Scene
The BEST thing about comparing horror porn parodies is that we get to see our favorite monsters and psychos FUCK our favorite final girls and heroines. Marion Crane may not technically be a final girl, but she was our lead before she was killed off in the first act of Psycho. Here, Marion is played by the adorable Sara Sloane in Zero Tolerance‘s earnest attempt at the Official Psycho Parody. Ryan McLane is a very creepy Norman Bates, and his unnerving stare is a phallic symbol in its own right. Director Gary Orona may not have Hitchcock’s technical flair for the iconic shower scene, but we get to see Sara Sloane soaking wet and naked – but why is she showering? Because she just fucked Norman Bates on the floor of her hotel room. It’s called character motivation, Mr. Hitchcock; maybe he could have learned a thing or two from Gary Orona.
Evil Dead – The Tree Scene
Burning Angel is damn GOOD with horror parodies. Their goofy-but-fun Evil Head swept the 2012 AVN Award nominations just like horror classic The Silence of the Lambs swept the Academy Awards in the 90s. When we think of the original Evil Dead, it’s not the character of Ash that comes to mind (he didn’t get cool to the pseudo-sequel in ’88), but the demonic trees that attack Linda, Ash’s sister.
When I think of Evil Head, I think of sexy punk girls with tattoos, like Kleio Valentien. Big difference in these scenes is that unlike Linda from the original, Kleio is having a really good time. And she deep throats a tree branch before… being double-penetrated by said tree. Poor Linda was a broken, bloody mess by the time she escaped back to the cabin in a panic (“Oh, Ashley! It won’t let us leave!”). Here, Kleio doesn’t devolve into hysterics, but just orgasms instead.
The Silence of the Lambs – Interrogation Scene
The Offical Silence of the Lambs Parody from Zero Tolerance adds a little zest to one of cinema’s best character introductions, Hannibal Lector, here played by Ben English. Did we say zest? I meant SEX. Kagney Lynn Karter plays Clarice Starling. The first ten minutes follow the original closely, until Clarice arrives to interview Dr. Lector. A big difference is that the creepy Dr. Chilton, played by the sexy/creepy Rocco Reed, insists on strip-searching Clarice before she can proceed to talk to Dr. Lector. It’s quite sleazy actually, but Kagney Lynn Karter’s beautiful big tits are front and center here. And yes, like the original, Clarice still ends up with cum in her hair.
The Re-Animator – The Cunnilingus Scene
It’s Burning Angel again. They do have great taste in horror, so to speak. Stuart Gordon’s The Re-Animator is an 80s gore classic, and Re-Penetrator is probably their best horror parody, even if it’s a bit short. The frenzied sex between Tommy Pistol and Joanna Angel is quite gory and over-the-top, and for twenty-something minutes of watching this film, you will vacillate between sexual arousal and vomiting on your dick/clit – which is just what director Doug Sakmann was aiming for in the insanity, keeping in spirit with the original film.
So what scene is the most memorable from The Re-Animator? How about when the beautiful Barbara Crampton is on a metal slab getting oral sex from a decapitated zombie head. Hot, no? In Burning Angel’s parody, we don’t get any severed heads, but we do get a Tommy Pistol’s face covered in a torrent of blood and gore as he eats Joanna Angel’s pussy. Apparently, Riverhead is NOT just a town in New York. Don’t get me wrong, Joanna Angel’s pussy is magnificent, in make-up or not, but did Tommy Pistol ingest any of these make-up effects? Was he not sick to his stomach for weeks after this shoot? Doesn’t matter – I came anyway. We all did!
Be safe this Halloween, friends!
Wear bright colored- clothing while trick-or-treating. Don’t forget the condoms. Don’t forget the Prep – and check those apples for razor blades. And don’t forget to give a consenting jack-o-lantern a frosty facial, but first, cum check out our horror parodies on HotMovies and see if you can find any others that come close to measuring up to their original iconic scenes.
Unpleasant dreams, sex fiends!
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