Think of cult and classic re-issue company Vinegar Syndrome as your cool friend who doubles as a curator. They dig and dive and bring out the best so you don’t have to. One of their best finds is 1979’s Star Virgin, directed by Howard Ziehm – director of the cult classic, Flesh Gordon. Given the year of Star Virgin and the name, you might be inclined to think that this was a Star Wars cash-in, replete with a vixen whose hair is done up in a bun. You, friendo, would be wrong.
Star Virgin is a zany series of vignettes woven together by the premise that Kari Klark’s titular character is the very last of the humans. It turns out Xerox was able to duplicate a person (a 1970s joke that was maybe more timely in the 1970s) and Klark, fully formed as a lithe and scantily clad adult, is curious about her all-but-extinct species. Luckily, she is watched over by the robot Mentor (who hilariously looks like a moving blanket duct-taped to a plastic shell filled with blue ribbon), who reluctantly helps the Virgin understand the human race.
Like all other Star Virgins, this one is curious about sex and orgasms. Mentor proceeds to tell her that sex began in the 1950s (likely because Ziehm didn’t want a caveman sex scene). He jumps around in setting in an effort to quench the Star Virgin’s thirst for (erotic) knowledge. But each segment just gets Klark hotter and hotter until the creamy finale.
SCENE ONE: Tina Louise & Bud Wise
Eve is a 1950s teenager who convinces her greaser boyfriend, Adam, to park his car at a scenic garden lookout point. Adam is reluctant because he doesn’t want it to get out that he parks with girls. Once inside the garden, a serpent – who suspiciously looks like a lecherous bald guy with a mustache and a cigar (and a long tail) – entices Eve to pluck a pineapple and eat of its flesh from his tree. The serpent gets real into Eve and Adam munching on pineapple, and convinces Eve to take her top off once she gets it juicy.
Not one to leave well enough alone, the serpent directs Adam to take a can of peaches from his tree (the tree has a lot of different fruit on it) and pour the peach juice all over Eve’s body. The juice turns quickly to mashing the peaches inside of Eve’s panties. Adam then takes a banana and turns Eve’s pussy into a banana holder, turning Even into the world’s sexiest fruit salad. While the serpent looks on and flicks his tongue in a disturbing way, Adam and Eve get it on in the apparent first act of sex in all of mankind. Adam, sadly, doesn’t get to pop off because the trio are run off by the voice of an all-seeing security guard in the garden.
SCENE TWO: Chris Anderson, Johnny Harden, Tricky Dicky
The second scene finds us in a silent, black-and-white horror movie. While maybe not everyone’s bag, the scene really does successfully capture and parody the vibe of movies like that. Chris Anderson arrives at a “motel” (a castle) in Transylvania after both running out of gas AND getting caught in a storm. She and her boyfriend, who’s got a Brad from The Rocky Horror Picture Show-vibe are greeted by a shady character in a Richard Nixon mask. He escorts them to the castle whereupon Dracula greets them with a drink. The boyfriend’s booze is mickeyed, and Johnny Harden’s Dracula and Tricky Dicky engage the curly-haired Chris in a cartoon chase. It ends in a threeway with the Count, the prez, and Anderson. Because the scene is silent, we are treated to only music and cartoony sound effects. The scene is silly, but Anderson’s enthusiasm cuts through the guffaws it like a two-titted knife through boner butter (that’s a good thing). ‘Brad’ wakes up just in time to scare the cum out of Drac, and chases the vampire and Dicky away.
SCENE THREE: Hillary Summers, Mike Ranger, Terri Dolan
Because there is no rhyme or reason to where Mentor jumps around with the Star Virgin, we next are brought to a professional game. The star QB gets knocked out cold, and a couple of the cheerleaders think they can go to the locker room and help revive the ailing athlete. Lacking smelling salts, Terri Dolan tries her pussy on Mike Ranger’s nose instead.
When that doesn’t work, Hillary Summers tries to rouse Ranger, and instead arouses him. Ultimately Ranger wakes up servicing the two cheerleaders and proceeds to finish what he’d already begun (unknowingly). He cums twice, and runs back onto the field to save the day. This one gets my vote for the hottest hardcore scene in the film, and Terri Dolan is especially sexy and eager.
SCENE FOUR: Brenda Leggs, Brian Flyn, Bud Wise, Mike Ranger, Zen Kitty
So this scene starts with the most fascinating strip/burlesque act I’ve ever seen; a dancer with a shaved pussy (virtually unheard of for the era) writhes around erotically. She sometimes pauses to bend over and do what appears to be a winking trick with her special area. Eventually she settles into a straddling stance with a fully lit book of matches – bringing it behind her as she bends over. And then she BLOWS OUT THE MATCHES WITH HER PUSSY! Truly an astonishing feat that needs to be seen to be believed. And if that weren’t enough, we then get to see the dancer perform with a large python wrapped around her.
All of this, though, is just lead-in to the sex scene. A customer at the strip club is enticed to a back-room party where several other guys are in attendance. They are all made to strip off their bottoms, and are given sex toys. Enter Brenda Leggs and Zen Kitty, at the whims and mercy of the roughly ten dudes. They proceed to pleasure the women with the toys and fuck them and get sucked off by them until everyone leaves a satisfied customer. Kitty, too, has a shaved… kitty (Editor’s note: had to do it).
SCENE FIVE: Kari Klark
The last scene is the only sex actually set in space. As Kari Klark’s Space Virgin is the only remaining human, she must rely on herself for pleasure. Oiled to the nines and on a lush circular bed, she rubs and pleasures herself in an entrancing way to the point that Mentor becomes hot and bothered (as much as a robot can be). He relents and gives Klark a light saber-shaped dildo that she uses to finish herself off. The end result is a flood of foamy cream as the camera fades to black.
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