Well… after eight seasons and tons of blood and guts (and boobs), it’s over. Game of Thrones forever changed the pop-culture landscape, and we are eternally grateful for it. It’s probably also culprit number one in the resurgence of taboo porn. So what do we do now that it’s over?
How do we combine titties and swords to get that special flavor of eroticism that GoT helped to provide? There are plenty of cheeseball sword-and-sandal flicks out there if you want to up your camp factor and maybe see a bare chest or two. I have another suggestion for you, though. How about you double-down on the erotic aspect and go for some fantasy-themed porn? There are some pretty great Thrones parodies (that we covered in a previous article)… but I’ve gone ahead and scouted out some more movies that feature swords of cold steel and hot pork. They might not win any Emmy’s, but they will be sure to get you hot faster than you can yell “Dracarys!”
Pirates 2 – Stagnetti’s Revenge
How could I create a list of fantasy movies without mentioning the biggest, baddest fantasy porn out there? The original “Pirates” was a phenomenon when it set sail from Digital Playground in 2005. The sequel upped the ante in every way possible, and it did not disappoint! Hailing from 2009, the movie stars basically every A-list adult actor from the time. In addition to the Digital Playground contract girls like Jesse Jane, Stoya, and Katsuni, it also featured legends like Sasha Grey, Belladonna, and Jenna Haze. On the dude side of the equation, Evan Stone led the charge… but the movie also featured Tommy Gunn (as Stagnetti), James Deen, Manuel Ferrara, Charles Dera, Mick Blue, Steven St. Croix, and more. Insane, right? The movie is well-acted, features a fight with skeletons, is shot beautifully, and has some great sex scenes. My favorite is the threesome between Sasha Grey, Belladonna, and Evan Stone.
Whorelore Season 1: Episode 03
So the entire series of Whorelore is interesting and features gorgeous women. It is written by real nerds who know their role-playing (the characters are modeled after the races of the Warcraft world, primarily). I chose Episode 3 because I like Taylor Rain (you know, because I have a pulse). Rain plays a troll, in full green makeup… but gives it a funny little twist that really makes the movie. She gives her character a hilariously bad Rastafarian accent and can’t stop hitting her fantasy pipe (Lord of the Rings pipe-weed, maybe?). She winds up being slipped a mickey by a questing Mia Rose that gets her so horny that she can’t help going at herself again and again. The video follows this scene up with an interesting Nick Manning demonic threesome.
The Ribald Tales of Canterbury
Rightfully on the Top 500 All-Time movie list from AVN, this film adapts the classic Chaucer story. But guess what? You don’t have to know anything about classic medieval literature to enjoy this movie! A classic cast including the enchanting Hyapatia Lee turns the modesty of the period on its head. My favorite scene in the movie is a toss-up between a lesbian scene with Hyapatia and Colleen Brennan in a tent (while their male traveling partners spy on them) and a literal roll in the hay between a beknighted Mike Horner and dame-in-disguise Debra Lynn (who I wish had filmed more scenes during her career). The costuming is great, the music is solid, and the fucking is top-notch!
Peter Pan XXX – An Axel Braun Parody
This movie cleaned up at the 2016 AVN Awards, and it’s easy to see why! The film gets some really great acting out of the cast, including a delightfully over-the-top Steven St. Croix as Captain Hook (and then some). Former Digital Playground girl Riley Steele is the cutest (and hottest) Tinkerbell I’ve ever seen… and she gets down with her bad fairy self in two scenes! I’ve always had a thing for women dressed up in Native American clothing (don’t ask me why, I don’t know) so Vicki Chase done up in leather and a headband double-teaming Tommy Gunn with Tinkerbell is way up my alley. But the real standout is the opening scene between Ryan Ryder‘s Pan and Keira Nicole as Wendy. The way she goes at the OG Lost Boy’s knob is equal parts tender and lustful… and it made me fall in love with her in the process.
The New Barbarians 1
Directed by the legendary Henri Pachard, and featuring a treasure trove of classic adult performers like Nina Hartley, Victoria Paris, Joey SIlvera, Randy West, Randy Spears, and Jon Dough, this film is the perfect synthesis of loin cloths and big hair! The movie would be a very solid sword-and-sandal flick involving a barbarian stealing a magic gem from a tribe, and the heroes attempting to retrieve it… but it winds up veering into bizarre science fiction territory by involving a time-travel sex scene featuring Nina and Joey on the hood of a mid-sized sedan. A classic movie and a fun watch, but it really needs to be remastered. Whoever mic’d the sound of the mostly outdoor film had literally zero idea what he was doing. It won’t stop you from enjoying the sex and most of the plot, but it does make it tough to hear what’s happening in the outdoor dialogue scenes.
This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX
One of the more interesting titles of the early decade parody boom, Lee Stone plays his born-for-this role as the sword-swinging, wine-swilling, wench-bedding barbarian of the Robert E. Howard stories (and the early 80s Schwarzenegger films). True to the concept of parody, the film never takes itself too seriously, making for a real delightful tonal contrast to Pachard’s The New Barbarians 1. Maybe it’s just because I have a huge crush on Asphyxia Noir, but the scene between her and Lee stood out to me as the best of the movie. The film is especially worth watching if you want to see an oiled-up Lee Stone in leather straps, or if you want to see him running in front of a green screen.
Forbidden Tales
I have no idea why this movie has a sci-fi wraparound, but it does. A robo-handed Tera Patrick is telling a wheezing and dying CGI alien guy stories to make his computer-dick hard. But all the stories are medieval in terms of setting. In fact, speaking of setting, I swear the castle scene of Tera fucking Vlad Benoulli is the same outdoors area used for Castle Black in Game of Thrones. The scenes are hot, Tera is at the peak of her powers, and the setting is pure castle goodness. I’m not positive why Joone decided to make it a science fiction story as opposed to a fantasy one (Joone also directed Pirates 2), but I sure am glad that he decided to feature Tera as much as he did. She fucks in four of the six scenes!
Xena XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody
I’ll admit it. I was never a Xena: Warrior Princess guy back in the day, but this parody might actually have convinced me to go back and watch the source material. From what little I know, the casting of Phoenix Marie as Xena is inspired, and Lexi Belle as Gabrielle is also an awesome choice. The movie leads off with Tommy Pistol getting with Chanel Preston and Randi Wright as, from what I can tell, Bruce Campbell’s roguish character. Lee Stone has an interesting (and moderately grimy) fuck session with Juelz Ventura while portraying Ares. But it’s Lexi Belle’s spirited tryst with Seth Gamble that really caught my eye. There isn’t a stinker among the scenes… and if you’re a Xena fan, I imagine it’s just that much better.
Whore of the Rings II
This is the kind of movie I think of when I think of that late-90s/early-2000s wave of parodies. Katie Morgan plays the Frodo Baggins analogue… and she is escorting a fancy looking dildo instead of a ring. Watch me complain, right? When she decides to use her magic dildo in the woods, a dick-faced Gollum (the mask they use is truly terrifying) starts groping Katie. She winds up going with it, and it’s in the running for my Most Confused Boner Award for a sex scene. Katie also sucks/jerks off an ent (the tree guys from the books/movies). Where else can anyone see that? While Katie Morgan fucking her way through the Middle Earth bestiary is the star attraction, let’s not allow it to diminish the other great sex scenes in the budget epic, especially Ben English fending off two Nazgul with his cock.
Xcalibur 2 – The Lords Of Sex
So this medieval epic is just stuffed to the gills with super hot sex! Ten scenes is a GIGANTIC movie. The fact that all the scenes are good? Nothing short of the magic Pierre Woodman has always been capable of. I know that sometimes people are put off by European movies; but don’t let this be a deterrent. The women are smoking hot, and seem way more into it than the myth would have you believe. On top of that, you’re not going to find better sets, props, and costuming in a period porn. Two scenes especially stood out to me: the first is Boroka Balls (with this sexy double-bun hair style) taking on getting double-teamed by two hooded men. There’s just enough kink in this threesome to give it an edge, and Boroka looks absolutely delighted when giving head and taking it from behind. The other scene is a three-girl lesbian affair featuring Caylian Curtis, Charlie Parker, and Zafira. If they’ve ever made a more beautiful woman than the Hungarian Zafira, I’ve yet to see her.
Flesh For Fantasy
It is so easy to think of Lisa Ann as the quintessential hot MILF, or as Sarah Palin, that it’s easy to forget she was filming as far back as the mid-90s. She is the star of this Jim Enright classic from 1994. Jonathan Morgan plays a dork that plays fantasy games instead of working at his office. His upset boss, Lisa Ann, winds up getting trapped in a virtual fantasy world at the beck and call of an evil sorcerer played by Tom Byron. The movie is great camp, with Jonathan Morgan really piling it on as the nerd. A young T.T. Boy studs up a couple scenes, and the way he and Lisa Ann get it on is a good reminder of why the two performers are as popular as they are. This is a terrific flick that has aged well, and doesn’t have as many issues with dated hair and style as other movies that are 25+ (!!!) years old.
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