Of all the kinky things people can get up to, erotically restraining someone has got to be right up there at the very tippy-top. In fact, bondage has almost become a kind of poster-child for the BDSM community, with symbols of everything from handcuffs to mummified figures becoming pretty standard iconography everywhere you look.
Yes indeedy: bondage can be a real blast, but here’s the thing, though; it is also one of, if not the most physically risky of all the BDSM activities, sometimes even with the all-too-real possibility of painful injury, permanent disability… or even worse (shudder).
Because of this, having a high regard for safety should always be first and foremost in your mind when it comes to restraining someone. The good news is that being aware of the potential problems and knowing how to act promptly (should anything go awry) isn’t tremendously difficult.
The first thing to remember about bondage is that, like so many other kinky activities, the fantasy is often very far from actual reality. By this, I mean that when you look at so many bondage images, even ones involving real people being restrained, you are nine out of ten times seeing an extreme, and frequently idealized, version of what safe bondage is all about.
Either that, or you are looking at scenes created by true masters of the art, like Woman Bondage Master Mature Woman Sexual Bondage Techniques and Hellfire Club Bondage & Discipline (to name just two) here at HotMovies. Not that someday, when you and your partner have had a lot (and I do mean a lot) of experience, you also might get close to that level of intensity and complexity, but when you’re starting out it’s much better (and much safer) to keep your bondage play as simple as possible.
To make it into a bumper sticker, never put anyone into bondage so complex that you can’t get them out of it in a second. I mean that quite literally, because should anything go wrong with your scene, that’s often all the time you’ll have (if not less) between the person you’re restraining feeling pain, or even just discomfort, and them suffering the aforementioned much, much worse.
So how do you get someone out of bondage quickly? Well, it starts with what you are restraining them with. This may not be a popular opinion, but it’s one I personally feel very strongly about (unless you have years and years, and still more hands-on-with-a-master-teacher experience) is not to use rope.
Sure, it might look pretty—like with our own Schoolgirl Nerd Bondage & Discipline—but rope is extremely tricky to do right, and far too easy to do wrong. For example, because thin rope can cut into and damage joints, and as it’s inflexible, it doesn’t allow the person being restrained to ease off on the tension if they should find themselves in crisis.
So instead of rope, what then? For beginners, I highly recommend self-adhesive bandages, otherwise known as “vet wrap.” It’s simple and fun to use, requires no knots, and is stretchy so the person being bound can pull against it without hurting themselves. Plus, it can be torn with very little force, making for a quick escape if the need should arise.
On that last point, for those just starting out, I recommend that the bondage never be so restraining or complex that the bottom can’t get out of it should they need to. It might be a rare thing, but that doesn’t mean a top experiencing a medical crisis while their bottom is in bondage isn’t impossible.
But even though “vet wrap” is easy to escape from (for both top as well as bottom), don’t ever just rely on just being able to do only that. Instead, have one of two critical safety tools always at hand when you do bondage.
Commonly called paramedic shears, this safety tool can be picked up practically anywhere, and even comes in sizes strong enough to cut through thick leather. What makes these shears different than the other varieties is that they’ve been designed to be slid between a person and their clothing without poking them with anything sharp. In regards to bondage, they are ideal for getting someone out at a moment’s notice as they will slice through vet wrap in a blink and even some types of rope (not that you should be using it yet!).
I probably shouldn’t really need to say this, but just in case someone out there does think this is a good idea, knives—no matter how big or sexy they look—are not emergency equipment. Unless what you’re using was designed and built to cut people from clothing or anything like clothing, then it has no place in anyone’s bedroom, playbag, or in a dungeon space. Looking cool and flashy is fine and dandy, but injuring someone because you didn’t use the right tool for the job is nothing but irresponsible.
But safety scissors aren’t any good if you don’t use them, so here’s a word on that: if someone who’s being restrained says anything about discomfort, pain, numbness, or anything else, and wants out, do not hesitate and immediately get your safety scissors out and release them. Sure, it might ruin your carefully crafted use of vet wrap, as well as the scene itself, but your ego is never worth someone getting injured.
This goes the other way as well: the top should always err on the side of caution. Even though their bottom might be okay with a little discomfort, if the top feels unsure, nervous, or worried about what’s going on, then get those shears out and use them. Remember, the time between someone feeling a “slight tingle” and becoming injured, even permanently, can sometimes be less than that second I mentioned before.
Here’s another bumper sticker for you: hope for the best, but plan for the worst. By this, I mean that while it can be a sexy kick to plan out what you think will be the ultimate erotic scene, which may or may not include some bondage, spend even more time thinking what might go wrong—and plan accordingly.
So what’s the second essential safety tool you should have at hand? Well, just to keep you a bit in suspense, let me first add in a little side note on the importance of communication before getting to that. By now, most folks are familiar with negotiation—that important time spent before any play is actually done, where everyone involved talks about what they need to happen in a scene, what they’d be willing to try if turned on enough, and what never should happen. But communication is also critical in the scene itself, even moreso when it involves bondage. Even if you are doing dominance and submission play, those roles should never get in the way of everyone feeling comfortable in saying what might be going on. I know I keep mentioning it, but it should never be forgotten that with bondage and things going wrong with it, time is not on anyone’s side.
So if you’re doing the restraining and the person you are doing it to clams up or won’t talk, then absolutely feel free to end the scene and get them out whatever you’ve put them into. Better that then learn later on that they were injured and didn’t realize it. Equally, if you’re bound and your top isn’t listening, then demand the play be stopped—and get the hell out of there as soon as you can. A top who resists or even hesitates to release someone from bondage has no place in the BDSM community.
Okay, so the second important tool to always have on hand for a bondage scene is what most people on this planet have already, but even with that being the case the willingness to use it is what’s even more important. So, you’re having a nice little bit of bondage play—using vet wrap, of course—you have your safety scissors handy, and you’ve worked out everything beforehand, as well as establishing great lines of communication… then it happens.
What it is that happens doesn’t matter: it could be anything from your bottom feeling lightheaded to a full-on medical emergency, including a panic attack. What does matter is not reacting as soon as possible—not with your trusty safety scissors, but with this device that practically everyone has. By device, I mean your phone: smart or otherwise. Just as with everything else about bondage, even though it will no doubt be embarrassing, acting immediately is critical. Not after a rest, not after “we’ll see how you feel in a few minutes,” but NOW!
I keep bringing it up, but it’s the truth: when something goes wrong with a bondage scene—seconds count! If there’s a problem, immediately pick up your phone, dial 911, and ask for help. If they ask what it’s about, don’t tapdance around it and definitely don’t lie, but instead speak clearly about what you are your partner were doing and what happened. Yeah, you might find it all a bit awkward for all kinds of reasons, but emergency services are professionals and care only for administering aid. Besides, what’s worse: that they might giggle a bit amongst themselves afterward or your partner being hurt?
I know this is a lot to take in, and might make a few of you even doubt if bondage play is worth the risk, but do try and keep in mind that quite a few other kink activities have their own share of risks, but many kinksters still do really enjoy them. The way they do that, and the way you can as well, is by staying alert to those potential problems by understanding what they are, how to try and plan a scene to minimize them as much as possible, and then how to deal with them should they happen—in a way that’s thoughtful, efficient, and conscientious. Do this and soon safety, even bondage safety, will become second-nature to you, just a regular part of the planning and execution of every scene.
Better yet, this level of awareness can then lead to finding new ways to make your play even hotter through working with—rather than against—the realities of BDSM and what it means to do it safely.
M. Christian is a highly regarded author (if he does say so himself) of kinky books and stories, informative non-fiction articles on sex and futurism, and—when he’s not writing—teaches BDSM classes with his pal, R. Greco Jr. Check him out at mchristian.com and be sure to tune the podcast he also does with Ralph: ‘Licking Non Vanilla.’
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