The Cold, Hard Facts of Making Your Fantasies Real

Human sexuality is a “you say potato, I say, pass the chocolate sauce and whip” kind of à la carte experience. The stickiness can come (and if you are playing with chocolate sauce, things could get very sticky!) when lovers try and share a fantasy they want to make real. One partner might be ‘into’ the activity quite a bit more than the other, or there may be some restrictions on enacting the play. Lastly, in some instances, a couple might make a fantasy real only to find it puts undue pressure on, and sometimes all but ends, their relationship (the delicate maneuvering of the ménage à trois is an all-too-ready example).

So, when trying to drag your sexual fantasies into the bright light of day, there are some cold, hard facts to consider.

First and foremost…


Sure, it’s hot as hell when your lover picks up on a clue, intuits some sense, maybe stumbles on that clip from Private School Spankings you left paused on your laptop… But if you’ve yet to mention how much you have been fantasizing about this or that, don’t be disappointed if your partner—empathetic and loving as they may have always been—doesn’t just spank your ripe and randy bottom the next time you just ‘happen’ across their lap during your next Netflix binge.

Mostly what keeps us from attempting to make our fantasies real, or at the very least talk about them, is the fear of what will happen once we expose our soft white XXX underbelly. There is no knowing how our partner is going to react—at the very least, they might be surprised—but we shouldn’t be dejected by their shock, or even if they tell us that they cannot do what we are asking. Sure, your bedmate might just put this all down to another in a long line of odd little things you have admitted through the years (even if what you want is not even all that odd), but speaking your fantasy aloud could color the way your lover looks at you ever onward. Remember, you can’t ‘un-ring’ this bell once it’s rung.

The only way to safely open Pandora’s snatch-box is through solid communication. A slow approach, maybe post-coitus, over pillow talk, or conversely as things are heating up, might just be the time to let the steam from your built-up imaginings. Your big reveal might also be the perfect time to press—gently—about those XXX-rated thoughts your partner has rolling around in their noggin. Plenty of couples have come to a sweet sexual giving-and-getting when one opens up, and the other suddenly feels safe to do the same.

Alina Lopez & April O'Neil in ASMR Fantasy for Adult Time 

Getting It Just Right

The next step, if your lover is willing and interested in your little scenario—the uniform you want to wear, setting up a doctor’s office in your spare bedroom, calling your very best friends to bear witness—is realizing that not every single idea you have might come off as you wish. Fantasies exist in our heads, playing perfectly on a loop in our minds; we always have the best seat for them, and the popcorn always stays fresh. Like any clip you can find on HotMovies, the best angles, the absolute naughtiest dialogue, all the smacks, slurps, and orgasms are beautifully rendered. Making a fantasy real, you’ll soon learn that not everything in your personal ‘spank-bank’ might be worth recreating in the here-and-now. 

Fantasizing about a deep and ready pegging like you see here, Pegging, A Strap-On Love Story, is not the same as taking a dildo up your ass for the first time. Bouncing a belt off your lover’s rear might be too much for him or her to handle. Dressing up in that pirate outfit ready to plunder the high-seas of your matey might bring forth a fit of giggles from both, or you that kills the high-sea scene. Like any good gorilla film director sneaking shots on the fly, when it comes to your fantasies, it’s best to be open to calling an audible between the sheets. 

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you always should (or will want to when you finally try to), when it comes to every detail of your fantasies.

Alina Lopez in ASMR Fantasy for Adult Time

Seeking Out A Stranger

Sometimes, just speaking aloud that which you have yearned for makes you ache for it so strongly you find you have to make it real. Only you can determine then what lengths you might go to if your lover is not receptive to your fetish/kink/non-vanilla sex explorations. With the increasing popularity of polyamory, plenty of modern couples allow for extracurricular explorations. Still, as with all things we do in our relationships, we need to be honest (again communicate) about all we might do that could indirectly affect the person we are swapping fluids with. 

Luckily, there are plenty of avenues to explore alternate or even multi-partner fantasies, as there are fantasies to be dreamt. FetLife and other online sex communities are littered with people and groups who share proclivities, from the mild to the wild. Sometimes, just finding others who might be into what you are into is supremely comforting in and of itself.

It’s also not unusual for a reluctant partner to suddenly find that being part of your community makes them more amiable for the fantasy you want. And sometimes, even if no play is enacted (the very popular kink ‘munch’ comes to mind), just meeting up with sexually adventurous folks could be a fun way to spend a Saturday night.

Whitney Wright in You're Safe Now from Pure Taboo

You’re Human

To coddle a fantasy, even one so foreign to your everyday sex life, is nothing unusual, and doesn’t even mean that you want to make that fantasy real… and if you do, your fantasy doesn’t define your sexual makeup, your sexual preferences, or you in general. None of us should feel guilty about having these very natural, libido-spiked thoughts, and if indeed we want to enact them, in the safety of our homes with those we love the most (or step out and seek others), we merely have to open our mouths and be honest.

You never know what might happen…

Ralph Greco, Jr. is a professional writer of blogs, reviews, interviews, fiction, poetry, songs, SEO copy, and one-acts plays for both mainstream and adult clients. His two regular ‘sexy’ columns: ‘Writing Dirty Words,’ and ‘The SEX FILES’ appear at and, respectively. Ralph is also an ASCAP-licensed songwriter and recording artist and with fellow writer, M. Christian, teaches classes across the U.S. at kink conventions. Ralph and Chris also host a podcast called ‘Licking Non Vanilla.’

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