Living With Your Lover's Past

For too many of us, it becomes that itch we can’t reach, the flickering flame we can’t extinguish, that which we know we should ignore but just can’t: our lover’s sexual past. But unless we’re looking to endanger our relationship, and all but throw a monkey wrench into our present sex life, we must learn how to live with what our lover may or may not have gotten into way back when they did the nasty, and whomever they did it with. And we best get over it right now!

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Unfortunately, we hardly ever see this particular type of worry starting. One day you’re sailing along perfectly with your guy or girl, and suddenly they slip in a moment of innocent recall, “Oh yeah, I know this park. I kinda, well, ya know… well, I ‘did it,’ here when I was in college.” Or you come to wonder how it is they seem to have such expertise wielding a cat-o-nine tails (although you are damn well enjoying their expertise), and your mental wheels start to get stuck in the mud of considering, who they might have done what with, when and how. If this niggling doubt starts creeping into your head, for whatever reason, try to satisfy yourself with the mantra of maturity “We all have a past, we all have a past,” and let your considerations lie. It might take a supreme application of discipline—grab the aforementioned cat and give yourself a right hard swishing across the ass if you need a painful distraction!—but try, best you can, to stop yourself from, ‘going there,’ because ‘there,’ is no place you can travel to and come back from unscathed.

The past, yours, your lover’s, anybody’s really, exists like that damn amber-preserved mosquito that starts what soon becomes all the trouble at Jurassic Park (and no, not our triple X-rated Jurassic Cock). The constant worrying over your lover’s sex with their exes will soon stomp dinosaur-like through your present-day actions and thoughts. The multiple multiple-orgasmic sexual scenarios of their past trysts you are bound to conjure won’t add up to or even accurately reflect what happened, but this hardly matters. Bereft of the facts, we all-too-easily invest all manner of extra-special significance (and hot bed-rocking action) to that which we simply did not experience; it’s the classic fear of the unknown.

In some ways (though not many, this really is on you!), you’re not to blame. Pretty much everywhere we look these days, there are time machines ripe, ready, and all but welcoming to take us back. No, not to the time of randy dark queens, like a sultry Cleopatra, but to the specific times of anybody’s youth. How many perfectly happy partners tickle themselves with a little Facebook-ing round the old ex, just to see how fat they might have gotten, what their ‘status,’ might be? But chasing after those ghosts—your own, or trying to look into your lovers on—does nobody any good.

You need to stay in the here and now, pretty much where your present relationship is.
Again, like that perfectly preserved piece of amber, the past stays locked behind the rosy glass of our imaginings. Ex-lovers—yours and your lover’s—don’t leave the toilet seat up or saddle you with in-laws you have to visit. We tend to forget the bad when pining for our yesterdays, and do the same when we imagine those amazing (wonderfully hung, big-titted, sexually adventurous) past lovers our lover used to enjoy (and we worry that they still think about).

What most gets us here isn’t the fact that our guy or gal has been in love before. They are, after all, loveable (we love them). We can certainly understand how someone else other than us would come to recognize all their good stuff. It’s just when we start to think about the naughtiness that our current lover may have gotten into that we feel challenged, especially if it might be some naughtiness they have never done with us. Just put those wacky and wooly bedscapades of yesteryear down to the greater flexibility of youth (when we were all only Barely Legal). Put them down to maybe your lover needing to keep things extra saucy because they required lots of diversions to prompt arousal way back before they knew their bodies so well. Put them down to just the curiosity of youth. Put all of what happened so long ago down to whatever you want, but, mostly, just put these concerns over your lover’s past… down!

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The ironic thing here is that someone who has gone through even a smidgen of past loves, lives, and yes—sex—comes to you better prepared for the vagaries that face us all in a relationship. Be lucky you have a lover who has undergone a little seasoning and just might know a thing or two on how to make your sex life healthy.

And lastly, really, even if you do go searching, lead weekend interrogation evenings that could be better spent fucking, your lover could easily just lie to you about their past.

Ralph Greco, Jr. is a professional writer of blogs, reviews, interviews, fiction, poetry, songs, SEO copy, and one-acts plays for both mainstream and adult clients. His two regular ‘sexy’ columns: ‘Writing Dirty Words,’ and ‘The SEX FILES’ appear at and, respectively. Ralph is also an ASCAP-licensed songwriter and recording artist and with fellow writer, M. Christian, teaches classes across the U.S. at kink conventions. Ralph and Chris also host a podcast called ‘Licking Non Vanilla.’

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