How To Write A Kink Dating Profile That Works

While a few of you out there might still be waxing poetic about those bygone days when meeting people—particularly those of the kinky variety—was only done on a face-to-face basis, the reality is that online dating is pretty much the only game in town right now. Not that going “old school” is impossible, just that if you’re interested in meeting folks in person for BDSM play, your only way to potentially do that would be at a specifically kinky event which, alas, doesn’t happen all that often, or when they do, they’re typically only held in the vicinity of larger metropolitan areas.

But how, you may be asking, does one navigate the twists and turns of online fetish or BDSM dating, and, even better, do so in a way that could increase your chances of actually meeting someone for play? If you play your cards very right, maybe you too can have experiences like the Not Your Typical Date series.

Not Your Typical Date: Jessie Goes On An S&M Date Part 1
Not Your Typical Date: Jessie Goes On An S&M Date Part 2

Fortunately, while there’s a staggering amount of variables out of your control that can get you to that outcome or totally derail your efforts, there still are some fundamentals that could very well very tilt the odds in your favor.

Study Your Dating Site/Platform of Choice

One of the first fundamentals is to take time to get the lay of the online dating land you’ve selected to try out. Yes, you might want to just jump in there and try to connect with your fellow kinksters, but trust me that rushing nine out of ten times works against you.

Rather, after signing up, check out what the site offers in regards to features, messaging options, matchmaking capabilities, and so forth. At the same time, also pay strict attention to what the site doesn’t like: rules, regulations, and such. After all, you don’t want to get kicked off, or even banned, before your search for a playmate can even truly begin—and so miss out on possibilities like having your very own Femdom Dream Date.

Femdom Dream Date from Severe Sex Films

After that, keep being patient by looking at what other dating profiles on the site look like. A common big mistake online daters make is thinking that they have to invent the wheel when it comes to putting their profile together. Yes, originality counts for a lot, but checking out what other people are saying, and how they’re saying it can often save you a lot of sweat and strain. For the record, I’m not saying you should copy someone else’s profile—that’s a big no-no—but instead learn from profiles you think might be effective and then work to try and capture some of that same feeling.

Honesty and Negativity

After you’ve done your research and scoped out profiles you like, now comes the time to create your own. No lie, this can be a daunting prospect, but it will be less so if you keep a few key things in mind.

To begin, never lie about yourself or your experience in the scene. There’s nothing bad with being inexperienced, but there’s a lot wrong in pretending that you’re not. Rather, be upfront that you are looking to learn and what your fantasies might be. Try not to be too explicit in those desires; instead stick to some basic generalities. If you are experienced, naturally mention that you are and how you are: years playing, events attended to, classes you’ve taken, books you’ve enjoyed, and if you enjoy videos such as Blind Date Tickling.

Blind Date Tickling Volume 1
Blind Date Tickling Volume 2

The reason why you shouldn’t be too specific in your fantasies is that if you come off too narrowly focused, it may appear you’re being demanding or selfish. On top of that, you more than likely will turn off people who might be interested, but have other interests as well—as in, them thinking you wouldn’t be willing to try other forms of play.

Another big no-no is to be negative in your profile: saying what you don’t want rather than being friendly and inviting. Unless you have a serious concern, try to mold your profile to be a positive and outgoing one. Similarly, when mentioning your preferences in partners never (and I mean never) do things like say you only want younger, thinner ones, etc. For one thing, this is an exceedingly rude thing to say, and for another even if a person who does fit your criteria reads your ad, this insensitivity could chase them away rather than pique their interest.

On an important side note, try and refrain from writing your profile from a submissive or dominant perspective, rather than that of a person. People with experience in the BDSM scene pretty universally prefer getting to know someone, or negotiate for play, as equals. So by being demanding, as a dominant, or submissive as a… well, submissive—that will only mark you as a clueless newbie.

Another thing to avoid is either writing too much too little in your profile. On average, a good profile should be never so short that it feels you didn’t put any effort into it, or so long that you come off as being self-centered and demanding. A good formula would be to start with a friendly greeting towards anyone reading it, a quick paragraph or so about yourself—focusing on your experience, good but not arrogant things about yourself, etc.—followed by what you’re looking for or interested in doing.

Before we move on, here are a few other quick things to include or avoid. Humor, for instance, can a great way to break the ice at the beginning of your profile, but unless you really know how to be funny, please don’t try as its a small misstep from using a misfired joke to being outright insulting. Also, please don’t leap right into play when you’re discussing what you want to do in the scene, as this can make it seem like that’s the only thing you’re interested in. Instead, say you’re looking for friends, people to do to events with, as well as potential partners. This is especially important, as while the BDSM community can be highly sexual, its bedrock has always been the community part: a place to meet people, learn about kink, and be social… and not only just to play.

Pictures Worth a Thousand Words

Next, let’s get onto putting your best face forward. This can be tricky, as many people may have very good reasons not to be easily identified on a kink site. The problem is, profiles without any pictures simply won’t get very good results.

You can certainly understand why, of course. If you don’t mind being out, absolutely include a few pictures of yourself, but as with coming off as a Dom or a sub, do not feature pictures of any part of your anatomy. Again, the scene is about people and not just genitals, so splashing your profile with nothing but images of your naughty bits never works—even if you look like a performer in films like Dream Date.

Dream Date

Likewise, don’t post pictures of kittens, memes, sunsets, or anything else. Instead, if you can be public, invest in a good portrait that isn’t out of focus, or shows you with a bunch of other people (which can be confusing as to which one is actually you), or makes you look like a twit. If you can’t be out, you can still put up pictures. Wearing a mask or such is perfectly fine, and even better if it somehow can show a bit about who you are as a person. It may not be as attention-grabbing as a full reveal, but its way better than having no picture at all.

Reaching Out And Responding

That all might be a lot to digest, but never forget that online dating is a process: you can change your profile and pictures at any time to perfect how you’re putting yourself out there. Again, taking the time to study what other people are doing with theirs can be a tremendous help in forging how you’re putting yourself out there.

A good profile, however, is only part of the process. Once you’ve got yours, how do you start reaching out to other people? As with your profile, the answer is usually to be exactly the same—with a few tweaks, naturally. For example, be brief and to the point: politely introduce yourself as a person (not as a sub or a Dom), politely say what about this person interests you, and then politely conclude by thanking them for their time.

Get what I’m saying? Always and forever: being demanding, terse, or in any way rude is the surest way to get a virtual door slammed in your face. Right along with this, if you don’t hear back, or if the answer you do receive isn’t to your liking, never respond with anger.

It’s also esential that if you ever feel particularly uncomfortable with how someone has contacted you to not just block them, but also report them as soon as possible to the site administrators or even put the word out to the community in regards to this person.

In a nutshell, online or offline, the BDSM community never responds well to jerky behavior. Not only will this kind of thing not get you any play opportunities, but folks in the scene talk to one another—and, believe me, bad behavior will travel far and fast. So, in a few short words, don’t be a jerk. You don’t like it when people are rude to you, right? So don’t do it to anyone else! Clear? Clear!

Be Patient

One of the biggest disconnects between the real world and online dating is that even though the Internet moves at the speed of light, the people using it move at the speed of… people. By this, I mean above and beyond all else, online dating will take time, and even more so in the BDSM world as its fundamentally built on trust and caution. So even though you might be all rarin’ to meet your dream playmate, reign in your excitement and let things happen as they happen. Some chats will go well, leading to possibly even a face-to-face meeting at a Starbucks, but many more will simply fizzle out.

That’s not a problem: that’s life… and the sooner you accept that, the better. Consider entering the world of kink dating as a long, ongoing process—one where patience and politeness are your greatest tools in getting yourself out there, and even, if all goes well, connecting with your fellow kinksters.

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