Losing Your 3-Way Virginity—Without Losing Your Mind!

Ah, the venerable threeway: that universal fantasy cherished by young and old alike, famed in song and story… or porn and erotica, to be more accurate about it. Like with hot new VOD exclusive, Their First 3Some.

Their First 3Some from Spizoo

The thing is, despite its apparently simple structure—take a couple, mix in a third, and voila—for the inexperienced or unknowledgeable, instead of a recipe for spicy fun, it’s far more likely to be the ingredients for a total and unmitigated disaster.

So if a threeway play is something you or your significant other are interested in, what you do to keep your relationship from crashing and burning—and if it does go down in flames, how can you salvage what’s left?

The Reality Behind the Fantasy

Right up there with staying informed about the physical risks—such as discerning what they are, and, of course, how to minimize exposure to Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)—we should all understand that while fantasies are fun, healthy, and can often lead to gaining deeper insights into who we are as sexual beings, there’s a massive difference between what fantasies are and what they are not. For instance, how steamy Erotic Fantasies is, even if it’s a dream (ahem) come true.

Anie Darling, Cayla Lyons & Lutro in 'Erotic Fantasies' from Nubiles Films
Anie Darling, Cayla Lyons & Lutro in 'Erotic Fantasies' from Nubiles Films
Anie Darling, Cayla Lyons & Lutro in 'Erotic Fantasies' from Nubiles Films
Anie Darling, Cayla Lyons & Lutro in 'Erotic Fantasies' from Nubiles Films

Wearing rose-colored glasses is a perfect example. After years of gorging on video after video or erotic story after erotic story, it’s easy to foster the illusion that all you and your partner need to do to have a threeway good time is flirt with a third person, share a glass of wine—or two, or three, or a couple bottles—and the rest is (sexual) history. Ah, if it were only that easy. The reality, and sorry if I’m going to be popping a few cherished balloons here, is threeways can be extremely tough to set up, incredibly hard to manage—where everyone has a good time—and, even when things appear to go well, brutal to process afterward. However, don’t fret; the first thing you and your partner can do to avoid, or at least diminish some of this, is to take those everything’s-gonna-be-fabulous-shaded glasses off.

Open Minds and Open Communication… Before Open Relationships

Okay, everyone involved is willing to accept that the cold, hard reality that fantasies are just that—and while everything might turn out well, and laughter and orgasms aplenty will be had by all, there’s a high chance it’ll all end up with lots of tears. But there’s a lot more work to do before you start flipping through your contact list for potential people to turn your sexy two into a sexier three, and it begins with what should be part of any sexual activity with another person: communication.

Yes, I know this is something I’ve written about countless times… but, guess what, I ain’t gonna stop—because speaking from the heart, respecting and acknowledging what’s being said, striving to be as empathetic as possible, and having a willingness to compromise is the foundation of every good relationship. Doubly so when it’s a sexual relationship, but communication isn’t solely about engaging mouth and exuding words, or paying strict attention to what’s said. Instead, before any orifices are opened, everyone has to sit down and talk things through with themselves. By this, I mean spending as much time as necessary to dig deep into yourself about what you want, need, and are frightened of when it comes to having your first threeway.

Kiiara Edwards & Valentina Nappi in Their First 3Some from Spizoo
Kiiara Edwards & Valentina Nappi in Their First 3Some from Spizoo

One of my favorite maxims about polyamory is that an open relationship only works when it stems from emotional abundance rather than scarcity. So if you’re looking to fill a void (sexual or otherwise) in your relationship with a third person, the likelihood is that this innate dissatisfaction’s going to bite you, and everyone involved, in the ass. Ideally, and again it may take some time and lots of discussions—both internal and external—to reach this state, but the desire to make a two into a three should always be striving for everyone to be as happy as they can. If you somehow can’t get there, then stop, do not pass ‘go,’ and do not collect two hundred dollars.

Staying with communication, since human emotions can frequently turn on a dime—sometimes for no discernable reason—keep those channels of trust and empathy open all times, and with everyone: take breaks, check in with each other, make sure consent to do anything is clearly stated and understood. If things need to slow down or stop completely—for any reason—no one, ever, should point an accusatory finger or belittle anyone for wanting to do so. This is equally valid days before or days after—or months, or more, for that matter. Again, odd or disturbing emotions can pop up at any time, or while it felt like everything worked well (hurrah!), be prepared and always willing to go back to communication square one.

Another inconvenient truth about threeway-play is that it’s as rare as hen’s teeth for everyone to have a great time, at the same time. Expect that anyone involved might want to get a lot of TLC when the dust has settled, or maybe even another bout. I know this is a lot to process, but take it from someone with experiences both good and horribly bad under their belt: seasoned threeway players are never exempt from fights, time-outs, breakups, and intense communication or therapy sessions.

Before rounding up this section, I want to talk about the green-eyed monster in the room. It ruffles my plumage to hear, sometimes from so-called polyamory experts who should know better, that jealousy is something to be ashamed of: that a “successful” poly person should never, ever feel resentful, and everyone getting together the morning after to make pancakes and beam always-happy smiles at one another should be the ultimate goal of any open marriage. Fuck that. First of all, back to what I was just saying, the only right way to be poly, short-term or long, is for everyone involved to be as happy, or just as comfortable, with what’s going on.

So, please, don’t think because your threeway activities don’t fit this or that mold that they’re wrong. The same goes for jealousy; it’s far from being a monster, as it’s only harmful when it jams up communication or manifests as abusive behavior. If it does come up, don’t dismiss or demean the person feeling it, but see it as a manifestation of feeling emotionally dismissed or neglected. It’s important to work together to dig down to the roots of it, do whatever’s reasonably necessary to reassure and comfort the person expressing jealousy (including compromising or putting aside time just for them), and treat them with nothing less than compassion and understanding.

So if you and your partner have taken this all to heart and still want to go on, how can you round up your first threeway third?

Chasing the Elusive “Unicorn”

Jewelz Blu & Maitress Marlowe in Bubblegum Dungeon from Adult Time

In the parlance of the non-monogamous, a female-identified person (often bisexual) willing to join a heteronormative couple for sexy bedroom antics is called a “unicorn”—as in mythical, or at least extremely rare. Yes, it’s okay if this makes you let out an exasperated sigh, but keep in mind that rare doesn’t necessarily mean impossible. It does mean it won’t be easy. An excellent place to start is by looking at each other as objectively as possible. It’s not fun, but by unashamedly considering what each of you might offer a third person can aid in your search. Similarly, what you both want, need, or are concerned about matters. Case in point, if you go online, or visit a polyam or swinging event, focus on being honest regarding your experience level (or lack thereof), where you want all this to possibly go—one time, every now and again, or perhaps a long-time relationship—what you’ve tried to put in place should things go wrong, etc.

Like with anything you haven’t done before, you’ll initially fail more than you succeed, but if you try to learn, grow, and rethink your approach and behavior, you’ll slowly, steadily inch closer and closer to wrangling your unicorn. And if you think I’m learning towards sexism, don’t be, as finding a quality male-identified person can be difficult as well. But no matter their gender expression, orientation, or all the beautiful variables that makes us all gloriously human—above all else, respect this person’s needs and desires as well as your own.

As someone who spent several years as a third, I can attest that it hurts a lot when you realize that your needs will always play second… well, third fiddle, to those of the couple. Despite how much it still smarts, I can’t place all of the blame at their feet, as I admit that things could have gone better if I’d been more direct about what was working in the relationship, and mostly what wasn’t.

That aside, I hope I made my point: when you put out those initial feelers, even if it’s for a one-time thing, treat your potential third with as much respect as you possibly can. Not only is this the right thing to do, as no one likes to be treated as a sexual prop instead of a person, but if your searches involve becoming part of a community—whether it’s swinging, polyamory, or BDSM—news travels fast and bad news even faster, and one thing you don’t want is to get labeled as more trouble than you’re worth.

If the idea of joining an open-minded community isn’t your cup of Earl Grey, then more power to you, but it’ll make losing that threeway virginity far more difficult. Worse, by trying to connect with someone who doesn’t understand its realities, or with less experience than you or your partner, you’ll be stacking the deck against everyone walking away with a smile on their faces. This is also why considering friends, unless they’ve walked the walk for years and years, is never a good idea. To begin, even if things go well, it can get real awkward real quick, and—believe me—you don’t want to know how bad-crazy it’ll be if it goes south.

Now Go Forth and Threeway

A staple of fantasy and porn alike—just like with popular vids like Three-Way Bisexual? Yep! Possible to have one without everyone going bonkers? Most definitely!

That doesn’t mean you can hop right into the scene, flash your prettiest smiles, and flirt, flirt, flirt your wants into a steamy ménage a trois your first time out—and if you somehow do, there’s no guarantee that you, your partner, and your new playmate will escape emotionally unscathed. Sex, no matter the activity or the number of participants involved, involves risk. But if you take your time, never stop learning, communicate, and actively listen to what others are saying, accept that fantasies often have zero basis in reality, and approach physical pleasure as sharing over giving or getting, then you’ll have a better time than if not—and, should things take a turn for the worse, come out the other side wiser for the experience.

Kiiara Edwards & Valentina Nappi in Their First 3Some from Spizoo
Kiiara Edwards & Valentina Nappi in Their First 3Some from Spizoo

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