“You’re so pretty… for a fat girl,” “You’d be hotter if you were skinnier,” and, “Being fat is unhealthy” are lines I’ve heard far too often in my life. “Nobody will love you unless you lose 20-100lbs!” has been screamed at me by anonymous keyboard warriors on social media since I started in the adult industry at 19 years old. It’s been 14 years, and I still hear those lines regularly… far, far too regularly. Complete strangers who’d never interacted with me were suddenly experts on my health, despite lacking any sort of insight into my medical history or even what I eat day-to-day.
The thing is… I’ve always been fat. I’ve always been overweight by societal standards. I’ve been told how unloveable and undesirable I am because I am fat for most of my life. You’d think that by now, I’d have seriously attempted to change that, because lord knows women must bend to society’s standards of beauty!
Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? I hope so.
Being unapologetically fat in a world where we are told how unhealthy, undesirable, unlovable it is, is a challenge at times. Being unapologetically fat and being a somewhat public figure? Whew. You’d think I was trying to force the entire world to be as fat, if not fatter, than I am!
People spend billions of dollars every single year to avoid getting fat—$33 billion each year, according to the Boston Medical Center. That’s just in America! Americans would rather cause lasting damage to their bodies with unhealthy diets that cause kidney or liver damage and intense workout routines that fuck up knees, backs, and necks; rather than be fat.
But please, go on and tell me how I’m the unhealthy one!
For me, loving my body started as an act of rebellion. My parents were constantly telling me I needed to eat better, work out more, go on a diet, etc etc etc. I’d take my fat ass to the nudist resort or nude beach and revel in the looks of disgust I got. I wanted to take up spaces held for standard-size bodies. My superiority complex was a defense mechanism that led me to somewhere so much better and healthier than any weight-loss pill or diet ever could.
And then I started doing hardcore porn. I’d been doing fetish clips for years at that point and I was aware I was a BBW, but I avoided using the label. My very first boy/girl shoot for PlumperPass was so incredibly empowering. People wanted to see bodies like mine! Fans lusted after bodies like mine! And it wasn’t just hardcore fans, it was also fetish-porn fans too. I started to embrace my BBW status.
It wasn’t just my BBW status though. I started to embrace myself. “Fat” stopped being a bad word. Fat stopped being something that I felt, and started being something that I am. When people on YouTube would leave me comments about how fat I was, I laughed. Duh, of course I’m fat. Congratulations on your observation skills there! Fat was no longer an undesirable body type for me, it was and still is my body type. I am fat. And I love my fatness.
I have these luscious curves that my partner squeezes when she’s eating me out. My scene partners jiggle or grab onto them as we’re fucking—sometimes they even bury their tongue deep into my navel as if they’re eating it out the same way they would my pussy. My fans write love letters to me professing their desire to fuck my belly button because it’s so deep and my belly jiggles so much. Bodies like mine are worshipped and adored, both physically and emotionally.
The cries of “cover up, nobody wants to see that fat” are now laughable. For every person who vocalizes their fatphobia, another ten emerge begging for my hand in marriage because they want to fuck, love, and marry a fat woman. People send me gift cards to restaurants because they know I love delicious food. I feel worshipped like an ancient Greek goddess.
Much like the ancient gods and goddesses of Greco-Roman times, I have my own faults. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be more profitable if I was smaller, if my belly were the “right kind” of fat, if my tits were bigger and my ass were more round. I find myself jealous of the lack of opportunities for fat folks within the adult industry and wishing there were more.
Despite those faults, you won’t find me saying I hate my body. My body is what it is: beautiful, soft, squishy, loved. I wear crop tops and tight clothes because it feels good to love the skin I’m in. I take hikes, go swimming, lounge on the couch, and bake until my heart’s content. I eat what I want, when I want—in a mindful way—because sometimes I want grilled chicken and roasted veggies, and sometimes I want a burger, fries, and chocolate milkshake. I still want to take up spaces typically reserved for standard-sized bodies! Even digitally, you can find me in many of the same fetish categories that are typically dominated by my smaller-sized peers. I’m proud of my work and I’m proud of the companies that offer fat people like me the same opportunities they offer smaller folks.
One of my longest goals within the adult industry is to help inspire my fellow fats of all sizes and pave the road for more opportunities for us! I don’t just mean small fats like me. I mean all sizes of bodies: from chubby babes, to plumpers, to super-sized. Representation matters, not just in mainstream, Hollywood media, but here in our own industry too. I dream of finding an investor who would financially back me in creating those opportunities where I can put my production skills and admiration of fat bodies into the limelight… to create content for fat-lovers by a fat-lover and to help other fat-bodied individuals to see their bodies in a glamorous, sexy, desirable way. I want to help others feel the self-love and confidence that the adult industry has helped me achieve.
I love imagining a world where people are as unapologetic in their fatness as I am, a world where people don’t cringe when they see a fat body wearing a crop top or tight clothes that show off their fat aprons, a world where fat bodies aren’t constantly viewed as unhealthy and undesirable.
Loving your body when the odds are against you is a form of rebellion, and because of that, I’m not here to be body positive. I’m here to be a fat activist! Anti-fatness affects everyone. People starve themselves because they’re scared of being fat. What does that do to their mental health?! I can only imagine the hate they feel towards their bodies and how damaging that is to their self-esteem and confidence. I see the self-hate every day in the people who are vocal about their fatphobia, because it’s so ingrained into our society that most can’t see it for what it really is: a means of attempting to make us hate ourselves. People who love themselves don’t feel the need to hate on others purely based on size.
I don’t think I’d love my body with such fierceness if it wasn’t for porn. I would have never known that there are people out there who seek out bodies like mine. I would have never seen myself as allowed to be a glamorous sex kitten. Without the adult industry, I might still be one of those millions of Americans feeling shame, guilt, and fear about fatness. Instead, you can find me shamelessly bouncing my belly and adoring my curves, and encouraging those around me to do the same.