Joanna Angel is, simply put, the best. She’s as talented a performer/entrepreneur/writer/director as you’re going to meet. Together with the equally talented writer Shawn Alff, Angel has created a truly marvelous movie for Lust. More than just being sexy, they have created a genuinely funny romantic comedy that, given the constraints of the medium and budget, I dare you to put up against what mainstream media is able to give us.
I Love You, You’re Fired is the rare film that would be entertaining even if you took away the sex. It is absolutely a movie worth renting, and I only wish that we’d gotten it as an exclusive before I wrote that article on movies you should rent instead of watching by the minute. This is that kind of movie. Yes, you can watch a little of it and beat off and be happy, but then you’d be missing out on so many of the gifts this movie has to offer.
The movie follows the possibly-doomed-before-it-begins romance between Danielle (played tremendously by the gorgeous Vanna Bardot) and Shawn (the ever-charming, beast-slinging Isiah Maxwell). Danielle runs a small advertising agency. Shawn is Danielle’s employee… but he’s also in love with her. After a mix-up of iPads at a company dinner, Shawn finds out that Danielle has feelings for him as well, but is afraid to act on them because he’s an employee of hers. So Shawn’s bright idea is to do what he can to try and get fired from the company so they can be open about their feelings. Great premise, right?
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We open with the aforementioned company dinner. The team is comprised of Danielle and Shawn, Tommy Pistol, Brooklyn Gray, and Charlotte Sins. Tommy, in a non-sex role, plays a total weirdo who is obsessed with his raunchy puppets (in case you’re wondering, yes, the same puppets from the absolutely incredible film he did for Model Time 5). Brooklyn plays a chronically sarcastic/mean lesbian who has fallen for her straight, married co-worker (Charlotte). During the dinner, the pair sneak away to the bathroom together for a little tease of what’s to come, as Brooklyn vigorously rubs Charlotte’s pussy to climax a couple times.
Lots of exposition happens after that. We find out that Danielle is a bit on the neurotic side, and has no real friends to speak of. She has an old cat with medical problems as her only real companion… and resorts to divulging personal information to her vet (who can’t stand her and is constantly making it clear he doesn’t want to hear anything about her life). The film has several really good non-sex roles, by the way: Tommy, the vet, and even Danielle’s nosy rideshare driver.
But the sex scene comes between Brooklyn Gray and Charlotte Sins (I honestly don’t believe we’re ever given character names for them, which is fine). Brooklyn dislikes having to be secretive about things, but Charlotte claims she needs things to be cleared up with her husband first. The sex is in a pretty stark contrast to their bathroom tryst. It is loving and slow and passionate. The two get each other off exquisitely, and it is a thing of absolute beauty watching Charlotte grind up against Brooklyn—her ass looking positively divine as it flexes with her thrusts. When Brooklyn cums her whole body shakes. And if you are using this scene to climax yourself, prepare to do the same.
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To cover for her mix-up of iPads, Vanna (I’m going performer names and not character names here) lets Isiah know she has a surprise announcement for the next day of work. She walks into the company meeting accompanied by her surprise: Quinton James. He is the brand ambassador for the next product the team is supposed to be marketing (with the ultimate goal of landing the product in the SkyMall catalog). Quinton unzips his sweater to unveil the product the team will be advertising: the Zesty Vest. Armed with his vest and no shirt underneath (the vest is black with zebra print pockets, glitter, a disco-ball zipper pull, and a bunch of cords dangling everywhere) he launches into a hilarious sales pitch for the product. The idea is that it is a mobile, wearable charger for electronics with cables so short that it necessitates close contact… so while talking up the product he does this male stripper-esque gyrating dance and uses Vanna as a volunteer. Once a phone is being charged, the Zesty Vest also instantly shares the contact info of the wearer—so Quinton drops his contact info into Vanna’s phone as “Hot Crotch.”
Isaiah gets jealous and uses Hot Crotch as a way of getting fired—he posts a nude pic of Quinton to Instagram and gets the account deleted. Vanna doesn’t fire Isiah, but does send him home. After getting bad advice during an ambush visit to her vet, Vanna decides to go out on a date with Hot Crotch. The two hit it off despite Quinton being absolutely terrible. He’s incredible at being terrible, and instantly enters the pantheon of one of my favorite archetypes of character in rom-com history: the detestable ‘other guy.’ He’s right up there with Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Tim Robbins’ pony-haired tantra master in High Fidelity.
So the date between Quinton and Vanna leads to sex. Quinton’s character describes the Zesty Vest as not just clothing, but as a way of life—and so he insists on keeping it on during sex. He even makes Vanna kiss the tip… of a charging cable. Quinton never seems to lose sight of his character during the sex. Vanna, however, loses her character a bit in the scene, but maybe it is actually more indicative of the person Danielle is underneath the yolk of a nervous, socially reclusive life. But what happens is that that hyper in-tune sexuality allows us to get off despite the fact that “Hot Crotch” is wearing his bombastically atrocious vest. Because, lest we forget with the hilarity of the movie, at its heart it is still a movie meant to stimulate our own hot crotches.
Some of the funnier bits of Quinton staying in character during sex are as follows: He repeats “Call me Hot Crotch. Who’s your Hot Crotch?” He then proceeds to smack Vanna with the cables on her ass, saying, “You take that cable. You take that cable.” As they shift positions, his zipper pull ball falls off and Vanna picks it up. His response, “Oh no, my ball! It’s ok. I have plenty more. I have two more right here,” is the smarmy skeeziness of the character in a nutshell.
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The nudie-pic plot backfires on Isiah and the vest winds up going viral. The company is so pleased that Isiah gets promoted—and his next task is to create and live-stream a party for Zesty Vest. The party’s date also happens to coincide with Vanna’s birthday, but she insists on not making the day about her (but also adds in tidbits that make it clear she wants a little bit of attention, at least). So Isiah creates a party that ignores all of Vanna’s requests. It’s a madcap climax that feels a little like the denouement of a zany Neil Simon play (look him up). It results in Isiah actually getting fired and punching Quinton unconscious.
The aftermath reveals that Isiah is in love with Vanna—and we cut to Isiah boxing up his stuff after-hours when Vanna stumbles in on him. They finally tell each other how they feel, and they consummate their love right on a desk in the office. Isaiah’s cock feels like it’s half as big as Vanna, and it’s a delight to see a petite young woman and a giant dong being used in a way that doesn’t call too much attention to it. They’re just simply in love and happen to be a little lady and a dude with a big tool. The sex is affectionate but not glacial, and Vanna practically breaks the desk while bouncing on top of Isiah. She then rides him in a chair-cowgirl until he pulls out for a giant load all over her tan-lined behind. It’s a hell of a wind-down, and a great scene from two veteran performers who clearly share some chemistry with one another.